How to Lose Professionally
by Benevolent Darkness
Summary: This is how Naruto could easily win against Sasuke at the Valley of the End. Read the summary inside for a better summary. Then you can get the full summary. For those that just read the summary inside and are looking back on this summary, well, Happy Birthday. -And many other stories. This totally does have a plot. You just have to be creative. (It kinda actually does.)


Summary: Does it look like I give a damn? Just read the link lazy bastards.

I don't own... well, you know what I own and don't. I own a jeep. I own a computer. I own a table- several, actually. I even have a lamp!

"This is how I talk." Speaking.

"This is how I say a technique. Which is talking." Techniques.

"This is a demonic voice. Which is still talking." Demonic voice/ godly voice/ anything with a loud voice.

"This is... You get the picture yet?" You get the... wait. That's not right. I meant "Boom!" Onomatopoeia.

* * *

Valley of the End:

Two people stood facing each other, atop two statues. Standing on the statue of the mighty Madara Uchiha was an evil looking boy. The boy had raven-black hair tied at the end, causing it to stick backwards sort of like a duck's ass. His eyes gleamed red; three commas swirling in each. Spinning slowly. Calmly. Gray skin looked like charcoal. The most astute observer would take notice of the two hands growing meaninglessly out of his back, almost like they had a hidden purpose. It would make a scientist scratch his head.

Blue shredded clothes draped over his form like a strip-dancer's old shirt. Water dripped down the soaked attire, falling and making the scene seem almost increasingly perverted. Not that either combatant realized this. They were busy glaring at each other, hoping one would blink. Because to blink would be a sign of submission.

Blood dripped off his body, next to the water. It was surprising it hadn't washed away, but some force of anime nature killed physics off for a moment. Physics wouldn't care too much. It's the critics that would scream in rage. But that was neither here nor there. Anyways, the blood dripped slowly. It coagulated and dropped in periodically thick masses, and splashed into the water where it would wash away with the torrents of rain. It looked almost like he was having a per… moving away from that thought…

His name was Sasuke Uchiha. He would save the Uchiha clan and kill his obscenely overpowered brother Itachi.

On the other statue stood a blond (though it was currently red) haired boy. He stood atop the great statue of Hashirama Senju, the greatest of the Senju clan. This particular boy's hair flowed in an invisible breeze when it should have been weighed down by water and blood. Nobody would really care about this little fact, though, because those people weren't there. If they were there, though, then they would have been too captivated by his sheer awesome look to remember the faulty logic. His eyes, red with black ellipses, would draw quite a bit attention, too. It only added to the awesomeness factor.

This particular boy, and what a peculiar boy he was, looked positively demonic. It was an awesome demonic, though, in response to the 'head-scratch' demonic of the other. Where Sasuke was black, this boy had a beautiful tan. This tan, though, was unimportant, because nobody could see it behind the scarlet aura surrounding him. An aura that inspired death and destruction. It also had a cute tail that wagged behind it. If a girl had seen it, they would have screamed and run up to hug it. At least until they burned to a crisp. What an unfortunate end. They always said "The cost of love is high…"

His name is Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze. Though, he wouldn't know the last part. Some creep didn't tell him. His dream is to become Hokage, and he would stop at nothing to protect all of his friends. Even the ones who defect. And the ones who try to kill him. And the ones that murder their clans (Itachi). …And the ones who start evil organizations to try and kill him (Negato).

This kid had some major problems.

"Let's finish this, Naruto!" Sasuke yelled. Righteous anger bled through those words. Anger at his best friend trying to stop him from being an idiot. Somebody has to remind me how an idiot even saves an idiot.

"Fine! I'll bring you back even if I have to cut off your legs to do it!" Naruto was being… angry Naruto. Didn't he ever think that Sasuke might not appreciate having his legs cut off? People always have had quite the attachment to their legs.

Both combatants focused all of their power into one last attack. But something was off, Sasuke noticed. No. It was too late to stop. He had to go through with this. Naruto would die!

Black electricity crackled in Sasuke's hand. Black as night. If it wasn't for the odd light which came from nowhere, Naruto wouldn't have noticed. The unnatural and corrupted energy struck the ground, shattering earth.

"Aw, Fuck! That hurt!" Sasuke screamed when a piece of stray earth cut across his chin. He couldn't let go of the technique to wipe his chin, though. So he toughed through it like he was trained to do.

Naruto charged up his own technique. The normally blue Resengan was red from the evil aura surrounding him. Naruto seemed about ready to shove it up Sasuke's ass. Sometimes Naruto wondered if Sasuke was gay. This was just the way to find out.

The power the two gave off was staggering. The earth around them was breaking apart and flying everywhere. Several more pieces his Sasuke before the boy got pissed enough to just begin. Sasuke jumped forwards, intent on ending this battle. His speed warped him forward at insane speeds. It was time to end this!

Naruto pushed off at the same time as Sasuke. There was no timing, or choreography. It was instinctual. All idiots did it. There was some sort of mind connection between idiots that made them do the same stupid stuff over and over again. Only, this time it was at the same time. Funny how the universe works.

They called their techniques.

"Die Naruto! Chidori!"

"I'll save you Sasuke! Resengan!"

The two children's attacks connected. A black wormhole wavered into place from the connection of two such deadly and powerful techniques. It began to expand, encompassing the whole chasm. Inside of the powerful explosion, the two boys reached forward, trying to get their power to connect to the other. Naruto reached, and reached. His arm extended. It was so close!

Naruto hyper extended his arm, dislodging it from his shoulder cuff. Just as Sasuke smirked at the golden chance, there was a 'poof.' The Naruto before him vanished into a puff of smoke, revealing it to be empty space. Sasuke's eyes widened to unimaginable sizes. This was impossible!

Because of his lapse in concentration and miss with chidori, Sasuke's form kept moving forward from the forward motion. It was then that Sasuke had an epiphany. Don't attack in the air. If you're moving up, you can only go back down. This was all he had time to think about before he smacked into the far overhang face first.

Naruto stood on top of the cliff Sasuke found himself stuck to. The boy looked down at the indent. "I can't believe that worked. Yes! I'm totally awesome!" Naruto smiled to himself and lay down on the cliff's edge.

That's when Kakashi made himself known. The man walked up to Naruto and sat down next to him.

Kakashi Hatake had silver hair which spiked diagonally to the side. A facemask covered his mouth and nose, while a headband covered his left eye. The man wore a green flak jacket overtop of his black shinobi attire. An eyesmile was visible on his face.

"I see you finally beat Sasuke. Congratulations. Now, we just have to bring him back to the village."

"Yeah. I still can't believe he fell for that, though." Naruto smiled at his accomplishment and sat up. "I need to thank you for teaching me that "Keep your face unscratched Jutsu." It was great."

"You're welcome. It comes from Hidden Sand."

"What's Hidden Sand, again?"

Kakashi face-palmed. "Never mind."

"I'm hungry. Can we get ramen?"

"Sure. My treat." Kakashi almost tripped from his sitting position at the evil malice radiating off of Naruto at those words.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go!" Naruto stood up and dragged Kakashi out of the Valley and towards Konoha. It was time to eat!

"I feel like we're forgetting something…" Kakashi muttered after a moment.

Naruto just kept running. They were almost to the village. "If we're forgetting it, then it must not be that important. Less talk. More run."

Kakashi sighed and tilted his head down some. Kids these days. At least they defeated Sasuke and… brought… him…

"Oh shit."

* * *

This is my take on all of the Anime rules that don't make sense. I've decided to just make fun of a single scene in the anime Naruto, and show how much better it would have worked if there was any thought involved, while still including all of the oddities that make anime, anime. Next one I write will probably have somebody face-palm with weapon in their hand. That would be funny. Or maybe even do that falling thingy (I would appreciate the name if anybody can leave it in a review) right next to a cliff.

Anyways, if I get any more ideas, I'll add them to this story thing. expect pretty much randomness that has a plot and makes sense. It's stupidity at its finest.

Benedark up up and away.


End file.
